Infidelity doesn’t just hurt your heart. It undermines the foundation of marriage. The trust is gone. Insecurity takes its place. Anger becomes the air you breathe.
Accurate figures on marital infidelity are almost impossible to obtain. Unlike divorce, which is recorded publicly, infidelity is private. Surveys rely on self-reporting, which means the data is subject to error. Yet experts like Peggy Vaughan, author of “The Myth of Monogamy,” say 60 percent of husbands and 40 percent of wives cheat at some point. The irony? Less than 10% of couples actually divorce to be with their partner. Most stay. The question is, can they bounce back.
Is Infidelity a Death Sentence?
No, this is a scar. It’s very deep. However, family therapists believe it is treatable.
“We need to send a message to the millions of American couples dealing with extramarital affairs that infidelity is a treatable crisis,” said William Doherty, professor and director of the Marriage and Family Program at the University of Minnesota.
Healing does not happen quickly. This will take years. Michelle Weiner-Davis, a therapist who has counseled thousands of couples and author of The Divorce Remedy, claims that almost all marriages can be saved from the brink. However, there is no quick fix. Patience is needed. You will face setbacks. You will come “back to square one” many times.
If you’re ready to put in the work, check out our blueprint for recovery.
Measures to restore trust
For the Partner Who Strayed
The burden of repair falls heavily here. You can’t expect forgiveness without a lot of effort.
Be brutally honest. **
Cheated partners need details. Often, women specifically need to understand the “why” so that something like this never happens again. The truth also limits the imagination. What the betrayed partner imagines is often much worse than reality. If the conversation is too painful, hire a professional.
Find a therapist. ** Contact the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. They represent more than 15,000 qualified professionals. Find people in your area using location services. Also, ask for referrals from doctors, clergy, and friends.
** Self-reflect.
Why did you go outside the marriage? If you’re not happy, you need to fix it. Identify gaps in the relationship that allow extramarital affairs to occur. Recurrence cannot be prevented without the root cause.
** Act trustworthy.
Mere regret is not enough. You must show your loyalty by your actions. Expect to account for your time. Expect to answer repetitive questions. This may seem overwhelming. This is not forever.
For a betrayed partner
Your job is to facilitate recovery, even if it feels like you’re doing all the work.
Ask for what you need. **
You have the right to set boundaries. Tell your partner exactly what you need to do to start trusting them again.
Reconnect as friends. **
Stop talking about the affair for a while. It is important to reconnect outside the trauma. Go for walks. Eat in a restaurant. Go to concerts. Remember why you love each other.
**Choose forgiveness. **
You will never forget. The memory will linger. But you can also forgive.
“You don’t forgive for another person,” Weiner-Davis said. “You forgive to lighten your own life.”
The Silver Lining
Saving a marriage requires extraordinary efforts. But many couples get stronger. This crisis has forced people to take collective responsibility for their own well-being, which has not happened before.
It’s very messy. It’s tough. But it works.
